Finding Your Own Goodbye: Saying Farewell After Direct Cremation
Saying goodbye following a direct cremation
In recent years, more and more people have chosen direct cremation, a simple, no service option that removes the formal ceremony. While it can be the right decision for many, families sometimes find themselves feeling they haven’t had the chance to say goodbye in the way they’d like. But a direct cremation doesn’t have to mean “no farewell.” It simply opens the door to a different kind of goodbye, one that’s more personal, flexible, and entirely shaped by you.
This is a story of one such family
Tony’s story Tony (not his real name) spent over twenty years in Spain, living his dream retirement with his wife. They eventually moved back to the UK due to ill health, though his heart always remained in Spain. One of his sons lived nearby and saw him most days, while his other son lived in Canada but came home whenever he could. After two years back in the UK, Tony sadly passed away. When his wife visited the local funeral directors, she discovered that Tony had purchased and paid for a direct cremation five months earlier and hadn’t told anyone. The family wanted to respect his wishes for a “no fuss” farewell, so there was no funeral, and the son in Canada chose not to travel home. But as time passed, they realised they felt a deep sense of something missing. They hadn’t had the opportunity to share stories, memories, or to say their goodbyes. Through friends, they heard about the idea of a Celebration of Life, a way to gather and honour someone’s memory outside of a traditional crematorium setting.
A celebration filled with love and laughter
That’s where I came in. As a friend of a friend, I was approached for advice. I explained that as a celebrant, I could help them create any kind of service or celebration they wished, in any venue that felt right for them. We talked about possible venues, perhaps a pub or village hall, but nothing felt quite right. Eventually, they chose something much more personal: the conservatory of Tony’s brother’s home. It was relaxed, familiar, and full of family warmth. They wanted the day to reflect Tony’s happiest years in Spain, so tapas was the order of the day, accompanied by Spanish music playing softly in the background. I spent time with the family, listening to stories about Tony, the husband, father, brother, grandfather, cousin, and uncle. I learned about his childhood, the challenges of his teenage years, his love of guitars, his career in double glazing, and his short but memorable stint as a pig farmer, radio presenter, and blood transporter. With all these memories, I wrote a tribute to celebrate Tony’s life, along with two additional tributes for his wife and son to share. The service was filled with light, laughter, and love, a true reflection of the man they all missed so dearly. Eighteen people attended, each bringing a photograph to add to a memory board. None were pre-chosen, so each photo revealed a surprise and a story, sparking smiles and fond memories. The tapas went down a treat, and the son from Canada played a tune on his dad’s guitar, a moment that brought gentle tears and smiles in equal measure. To close the day, the family gathered outside to plant an olive tree, chosen for its connection to Tony’s beloved Spain. The pot was decorated with shells, and the tree will be moved to his wife’s home, a living reminder of their 53 years together.
A different kind of farewell.
It was a truly beautiful and meaningful occasion, filled with warmth, laughter, and love. A direct cremation doesn’t have to close the door on a heartfelt goodbye. You can still gather, share memories, and celebrate a life in whatever way feels most fitting, whether that’s over tapas and music, afternoon tea, or a simple get-together at home. What matters most is that it feels right for you and honours the person you love.
Testimonial
As soon as I met Debbie I knew I had chosen the right celebrant to help us celebrate my dad’s life. She completely understood our desire for something different yet something where we could remember and honour our dad in so many different ways. Due to my dads wishes of choosing a direct cremation and therefore no funeral, as time passed we felt we wanted to say our goodbyes to dad as a family and most importantly spend time together remembering the happy times we all shared and spent with him. Debbie understood what this meant to us and was able to guide us and suggest the most personal service where every part of dad’s amazing life could be shared, celebrated, laughed about, cried about but most importantly remembered. She spent a lot of time with our family hearing our stories and we felt she truly got to know exactly who our dad was right from his childhood up until the day he passed. She created the most beautiful tribute to our dad and delivered this with warmth and care as we relived the wonderful moments we had all enjoyed with dad. With the extra touches Debbie helped us add such as his favourite food, music and then the planting of a tree, the day was truly memorable and was the perfect farewell to our beloved dad, a day that we will never forget.